youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
