I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
