the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
