Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
