The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
