You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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