If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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