No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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