i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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