my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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