My first STD was from a foam party
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
