It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
