Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
