how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
