I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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