You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out