Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
These 25 Rude People Ruined Movies for Everyone Else
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.