i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
