we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
