If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
