11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
