I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
