oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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