I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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