but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
