i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
