At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
