the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Buhtt sex?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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