This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
