Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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