sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
