You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How does it feel to date your dad?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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