My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
