I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
