Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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