Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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