my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
