someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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