I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
