I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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