I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize