I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
