Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
