okay pat passed out under dana's car
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
