I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
