The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I pour the whiskey from now on
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
