did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
