your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
40s are totally the cure
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
