Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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