So drunk its hurt
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
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we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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