Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
