My room smells like vodka and shame
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
