well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
