It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
