Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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