Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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