I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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