i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
