I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
