I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
