Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
