he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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